Friendship is one of the most important elements of life. Your friends are such an integral part of your growth, they’re your chosen family; the people that you get to do life with that understand you outside of your family.
Having meaningful friendships can be life-changing. They can offer different perspectives, they can make you feel seen, they can be there for you to be open and vulnerable with, without the inevitable pressures that come from the closeness of a family member or partner. They know the version of you that is who you want to be, and they can help you to thrive and achieve that. They’re the people standing on the sidelines, cheering you on in ways you never knew you needed.
While friends are important for literally all of us, allyship and friendship within queer communities is especially important. Our open conversations around gender fluidity, trans and non binary experiences are still so fresh, meaning that finding safe communities to feel seen as someone who identifies as trans or non-binary, is so important.
In celebration of Trans-Awareness week (13-19 November), we chatted to trans and non binary model, activist, writer, influencer and all-round angel, Sandy McIntyre, about the importance of trans friendships and the power of social media within that space.
“Trans friendships have been imperative to my growth,” McIntyre tells POPSUGAR Australia, “as a human away from my gender but also to my trans non-binary identity.
“I remember having a conversation with a friend who too identifies as trans non-binary early on into my self discovery and they said “what are you fighting? I see you so clearly and you’re beautiful they/them self”. That for me was a turning point as it was the first time I felt seen by someone who was similar to me.”
It was the first time they’d met in real life, and the first time Sandy had had hours-worth of conversations that had been internal monologues for years in their head. It felt as though someone was finally speaking to the truth that they’d be feeling and living, in their own mind, for so long. It was the realisation that they weren’t actually alone, IRL, and that others had similar experiences.
“It forced myself and allowed me to take the time to appreciate my identity, to find pride in it and to ultimately celebrate it.”
That is what having trans friendship does, McIntyre says. “You’re able to acknowledge your trans-ness without having to justify it”.
This was a friendship that began online. They started following each other on Instagram around 2019 and always liked each other’s posts. Then, Sandy finally messaged them and they started chatting.
“Fast forward to the end of 2020, I was casting a stylist for the show The Living Room and I pitched them to the network and brought them in for a meeting. Being big on queer represenation in the media, I took it as an opportunity to highlight someone that I had grown to love and respect and be inspired by. That’s when we first met.”
That evening, they invited them out for a drink and that’s where the true friendship and love affair began.
We often villianise social media, as this evil, vapid, online world, that creates an unrealistic aesthetic for us to live up to. It’s criticised as a place that encourages unrealistic beauty standards and lifestyles, a fake world that fuels a need for constant and instant validation. And while it can definitely be these things, if we misuse it or over use it (too much of something is never good, right?), but it actually opens up an entire new space for opportunity, too.
If social media didn’t exist, then Sandy might never have crossed paths with this now-treasured friend, or perhaps not had the courage to approach them if they had crossed paths IRL.
“Social media has been a gateway for both of us to call on each other if needing advice, or to simply vent,” says Sandy. “It was one of the fastest friendships I formed because I felt safe immediately. There was this commonality that brought us together that was electric, through them I’ve also connected to other trans, non-binary people and it’s honestly changed my life.”
“So, this all started from an online friendship. I feel like it’s a family tree of sorts. We plant these seeds in the form of DM’s which then bloom over time and allow us to all connect via our mutual love of community and/or trans identity.”
During lockdown, Sandy came out as non-binary. They say it was a time when they were forced to look within, be introspective, and make some difficult changes to make sure they were living their authentic life. Like so many of us, they found themselves questioning if their life represented who they wanted to be.
As they were making that change, transitioning into an identify that felt more at peace with who they are, they found that social media was the most comfortable place to find new communities and like-minded people.
“For those who do identify as trans; there are friends who knew them prior to “coming out” and there’s friends who they’ve met post “coming out” or rather “letting in” as my friend, Sean, says. For me finding trans friendships, social media was initially the only way I knew how! Through one friend you meet another, and another and another until you’re surrounded and supported by new loves in your area or around the world. Also, following trans activists/voices is always great way to understand your own identity too.
“As much as social media can be a dangerous place, it’s often the same space where trans folk find safety through online communities.”
Unfortunately, we still live in a world where verbal and physical abuse is a reality for the queer community. Yes, there are still people in the world with strong prejudices against communities they don’t understand or are not a part of, and this creates an understandable element of fear around freely expressing yourself as a queer, trans or non binary person.
There is also an element of not feeling included. Although we’ve made such progress in the past decade, LGBTQIA+ rights have only really been openly discussed and disputed within recent years. Before this modern change and a societal movement towards understanding and accepting fluidity in it’s many forms, members of the queer community were severely “othered”. And that pain doesn’t just go away.
“More often than not, anyone who belongs within the LGBTQIA+ community can resonate with the feeling of not fitting in. Social media has been a place where we don’t need to leave the safety of our bedroom to feel seen. Currently, I still get heckled on the street by strangers at least twice a week so, to ensure my mental health is in a good place, I often go to community and this community for me is online.
“We’re able to be visible, have conversations and connect with others who resonate with the trials and tribulations of not necessarily belonging within society. Through this friendship, we’re able to build confidence and understand our power through constant conversations and reminders from our sibs that we are in fact worthy, important and an essential part of society. I think the bottom line is, parts of the general public are acting like we’re “brand new” or “disruptors to society”.
“When in fact, historically, we’ve always been here and unfortunately have always felt a need to hide to be safe. I guess now, we’ve found a sweet spot within social media where we’re able to validate our identity by being visible online which therefore gives us the space to then be visible outside.
But Sandy acknowledges that social media can be tough, too.
They were recently trolled online, after a brand posted a photo of them on their page. They were trolled so hard, that it forced them to think “am I wrong?”, for the first time in a long time. But, after confiding in their chosen online community, it didn’t take them long to be reminded that “oh no hun, we are gorgeously right”.
“Navigating trans friendships via social media has been essential in allowing me to maintain a healthy and euphoric feeling of gratitude and acceptance and for that, I’ll always be thankful!”
Below, are a list of Sandy’s top picks for trans, non-binary and queer inspirations to follow on IG today and add to your own community, whether you’re looking for friendships or not.
Because at the end of the day, if social media can’t serve us with inspo, gorge looks and potential friendships — then it might be time to refine our feed.
