School is a formative time for kids. They’re learning, making friends, fostering new skills, and quite frankly…they’re growing up. But what happens when your child hates school? Whether they refuse to get ready in the morning or cry before getting out of the car, reasoning with your kid about school can be hard. Not to mention, when your kid is unhappy, you’re unhappy.
“Most kids at some point in their academic career will experience some form of school refusal, with common examples including first-day jitters, young children struggling to get out of the car due to parental attachment, and situational experiences that create an aversion or avoidance for a short period of time,” says Jillian Amodio, LMSW, a licensed social worker and founder of Moms for Mental Health.
That said, persistent and severe school refusal is more rare, adds Amy Mezulis, PhD, a clinical psychologist and co-founder and chief clinical officer at Joon. “Up to 25 percent of kids will refuse to go to school at some point, while one to five percent will have persistent school refusal,” she explains. “If we reframe school refusal to be a symptom of something else going on, then it is understandable, even normal, for a kid to refuse school if something acutely adverse is happening at school or at home that would cause them to want to avoid school.”
However, just because something is common doesn’t mean it should persist, says Spencer Russell, a teacher, reading specialist, and founder of Toddlers CAN Read. “My number one advice to parents of children who hate school is to diagnose the root cause of their refusal and either coach them through their fears or provide them with the resources that they need to be successful.”
Okay, but how do you figure out why your child refuses to go to school? And how can you encourage them to give it a chance? Here’s what experts had to say on the topic.
Why Do Kids Hate School?
Not all kids hate school. In fact, some kids love going to school and for others, school may be a safe haven or a place where they find acceptance and care, Amodio says. Generally speaking, though, a true hatred or aversion to school is typically indicative of something deeper, she explains.
Uncovering the reason why your child doesn’t like school is key to knowing how to support them, Russell says. Here are the four biggest reasons why many kids hate school, according to Russell:
1. Home Environment: It may not even be about school, says Russell. It’s about home. “They simply like being home more and it’s the routine, the activities, the attention, and the structure (or lack thereof) they get when they are home that makes school feel terrible in comparison,” he explains.
2. Academic Skills: For some kids, their dislike for school may be about academics. For example, if they struggle to keep up in reading, math, or science, the work can feel too hard and this manifests in avoidance behaviors like acting out, shutting down, or skipping class, Russell says.
3. Social Dynamics: The social scene of school can be stressful, too. “Children are bullied in school at an alarming rate, and without excellent supervision from teachers and staff members across a school community, bullying and other negative social dynamics can persist, under the radar, throughout a child’s school experience,” explains Russell.
4. Mental Health: Mental health takes a huge toll on kids and can present as anxiety or depression, says Russell. “For kids like this, it might not even be that they hate school specifically, but it could be that they hate a lot of things or that they feel little joy from their day-to-day activities.”
What to Do If Your Kid Refuses to Go to School
If your child refuses to go to school, it can feel like an endless battle. Luckily, there are some helpful techniques to help you understand where the dislike stems from and how to best handle the situation.
1. Ask questions and gather information. If your child hates school, ask questions, and work hard to get past the dreaded “I don’t know.” Dr. Mezulis says to ask, ‘what do you think will happen to you if you go to school?’ “Knowing what bad thing they are avoiding can give insight into how to solve the problem,” she explains.
2. Talk with their teacher. Schedule a meeting with your child’s teacher to learn more about what’s happening in school, says Russell. “This meeting will be even more effective if you ask them to observe your child’s classwork, behavior, and interactions for a few days beforehand,” he explains. You can also work with the guidance counselors, administrators, and other support staff to understand the reasons behind your child’s behaviors, and potential strategies to address their concerns, adds Amodio.
3. Identify the root cause and brainstorm how to address it. After speaking with your child and teachers, do your best to identify the reason for their school refusal and establish an appropriate solution, says Russell. “If they hate school because they struggle in reading, create a game plan at school and at home for how to support them in improving their reading skills,” he explains. “If they hate school because they hate everything or are struggling to find joy in daily activities, seek out the appropriate professional support.”
4. Act quickly. Once you figure out the problem, it’s important to act swiftly on the next steps. “There is something called the avoidance-anxiety cycle where when we avoid something that causes us anxiety or fear, we only become more anxious about doing it,” says Dr. Mezulis. The longer school refusal gets, the worse the anxiety and more difficult it becomes to break the habit of staying home, she explains. If you cannot get your child back to school, seek a professional evaluation to see what support they might need.
5. Communicate next steps. Communicating next steps in a loving and direct way is crucial, says Russell. For example, Russell suggests the following script: “I understand you’re feeling _____, but the reality is, you can’t control whether you go to school or not. What you can control is your reaction. So, here’s what we’re going to do to make this situation as positive as possible…” This helps validate your child’s very real concerns and emotions, while also acknowledging the reality of the situation, and moving forward toward collective action, he explains.
6. Identify a plan. Once you and your child are on the same page, identify a plan for reintroducing them back to school, says Amodio. “This should be done with the guidance and support of the school administration and education team as well as a mental health provider to help support the students’ transition,” she explains.
7. Establish consequences. If there is a true need to stay home, the consequence may be arranging for childcare services, says Amodio. “If the behavior is based on defiance, find consequences that fit the behaviors, and provide incentives for small steps toward re-entry,” she explains. You also want to be firm about going to school, Dr. Mezulis adds. “Unless going to school is actually unsafe, then kids should be going to school,” she says. “Help them understand that feeling anxious isn’t actually dangerous, and there are ways to handle those feelings like validating that headaches, stomachaches, and other physical symptoms are really common signs of anxiety and not themselves dangerous.” Instead, develop problem-solving and coping skills for when they feel anxious, so the only solution isn’t avoidance.
What Not to Do If Your Kid Refuses to Go to School
School refusal is hard on everyone, but there are a few things you should *not* do to handle the situation with care.
1. Don’t threaten or shame. School refusal is often a symptom of a deeper issue, and the child needs your support on how best to approach the problem, says Dr. Mezulis. Threatening or shaming them often makes it worse.
2. Don’t get angry. Yelling or getting angry with your child is unlikely to be effective, says Amodio. “If we hypothesize that the underlying problem is anxiety about leaving home and going to school, then being yelled at or threatened with punishment is likely to result in the child being more upset and anxious that morning, making it even harder for them to get to school.”
3. Don’t minimize the situation. “When we say things like ‘Don’t worry about it!’ or ‘It’s not so bad!’ we not only minimize their lived experience, but we also decrease the likelihood of them opening up to us again in the future,” says Russell. “This may help get them out the door for a day or two, but it does nothing to figure out or solve the underlying problem.”
4. Don’t maximize the situation. You obviously want to be empathetic to your child’s emotions, but it is also possible to go too far and make the situation feel much bigger than it actually is, Russell says. “Never major a minor.”
5. Don’t give up. It can be emotional and mentally exhausting if your child refuses to go to school, but don’t give up. “This is an occurrence that can weigh heavily on families, and it is not shameful to reach out for help,” Amodio says. “Create a plan that best suits the needs of each individual child.”
If the underlying issue cannot be addressed where the child is at, you may want to consider switching schools. “Your child’s safety is the number one most important factor to consider when making any decision related to their schooling, so if your child is being physically (or verbally) bullied or harassed in any way, shape, or form, get them out of that situation,” says Russell. “This may mean doing something like switching schools or homeschooling your child, but this could also be as simple as switching teachers or switching classes,” he adds.
The Bottom Line
Remember that every child and family is unique. “Even if it’s uncomfortable, you need to talk to your kids, listen to your kids, support your kids, and fight for your kids with every resource at your disposal,” says Russell. “Your child is going to spend a tremendous amount of their childhood in school, and we can, and should, work as hard as we can to help them enjoy these precious years.”
