For the sixth year in a row, POPSUGAR is dedicating the month of June to recognising LGBTQIA+ voices, having honest conversations about sexuality and gender, and honouring individuality, through first-person interviews and allyship guidance. The POPSUGAR team is sharing these stories throughout the month, so be sure to find all our pieces here.
Being a bisexual woman is seen as a privilege by a large majority of people in both queer and cis communities. As bisexual women, we’re seen as having the luxury of choice. We’re seen as having ‘the best of both worlds’, of not having to come out, as not being questioned and ridiculed throughout childhood, of being ‘on the fence’. These reasons make it tough for us to take up space in the queer community, because how dare we?
I understand this feeling well, because I identify as a cis bisexual woman. And, when POPSUGAR Australia talked to fellow cis, bisexual woman Carmen Azzopardi (@zigs_mom on TikTok and IG), it quickly became clear that she felt the same way.
“Before I dive into my queer journey and experience, I think it’s really important for me to preface that given I’m a white, cis, bisexual woman, my queer experience and experience within the queer community is going to be extremely different from others,” Azzopardi began telling POPSUGAR Australia.
Azzopardi’s journey to queerness wasn’t a surprise to her. It was more a ‘gradual unravelling’ from childhood.
“I began questioning my sexuality at 12 or 13, just thinking about what my sexuality meant to me. I come from a family where queerness is quite embraced, which is awesome, but there was still a lot of underlying biphobia present, especially with my mum. I remember having a conversation with her, amidst me trying to figure things out. Of course she had no way of knowing where I was at with my sexuality, but she made a comment that bi people don’t really exist, and that being bisexual is just a stop over on the way to being gay.
“That really stuck with me.”
This biphobia doesn’t just exist within an older demographic. I hear this sentiment of bisexual being a ‘stopover on the way to being gay’ all the time within the queer community. Not only does it not create an open, free space for bisexual cis women, it also adds to the confusion that is inevitably entwined with coming to terms with your sexuality.
As cis women, we’ve been taught how to be in relationships with men. We’ve been taught that being attractive to men equals success, and that validation from men is the goal. We’ve not been brought up with the option of being attracted to women; we’re not taught how to be in that dynamic with a woman, in the same way we are a man.
“For a while I tried to play down my attractiveness to women, as me just really wanting to be friends with them. I felt like ‘I want to be her and emulate her qualities’, but now I look back and think ‘oh no, I just had a crush on her’. But it’s this question of do I want to be her, or be with her?” Azzopardi says.
“How I feel with women is intense, consuming, romantic and emotional, and while my relationships with men still encompass these feelings, they’re on a much more instinctual level. I think it’s because I’ve had more time to become accustomed to these feelings with men, that they just feel more ‘normal’.”
On top of the fact that society has undoubtedly taught women how to be in relationships with men pretty exclusively, there’s also a lot that plays into the dynamic of a female same-sex relationship. There’s this sense of immediate trust, safety and care, that is much more instantaneous with women due to shared personal experience.
“With women, for me, there is less of a sense of concern or anxiety that is often prevalent in my relationships with men. This just comes from my experience as a woman when interacting with men; it can absolutely feel anxiety inducing or dangerous to interact intimately with men quickly, because of what is happening globally between women and men, y’know?” Azzopardi says.
“There’s just this safety with women, like we immediately have a shared lived experience and we’re naturally protective of each other.”
And then, when we look to pop culture and media for positive representations of bisexual characters, they’re really nowhere to be seen. The representation of bisexual people are largely taboo or sexy — they’re never presented in the messy, confusing way that they actually exist.
“I often don’t feel comfortable in super queer spaces, because I don’t feel like people see me as properly queer,” Azzopardi says.
“Like, I went to this Mardi Gras event recently, and while I had so much fun, I definitely felt this sense of guilt and confusion and as though I was taking up space in a place that I perhaps hadn’t earned or didn’t deserve. Even when I compare myself to bisexual men, I just feel like women have it easier in the societal conversation of bisexuality.”
No one really questions a bi woman because the sexualisation of a girl-on-girl sexual environment has been extremely popularised through porn, and lives in the minds of many as just a super horny environment; rather than a serious attraction between two people. While it may make it easier for us to ‘come out’ or explore same-sex relationships with women, our relationships with women are also not taken as seriously as our relationships with men. So, if we’re free to experience it but everyone thinks it’s just a phase, doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of exploration?
“Right now, I feel like I’m really coming into my own when it comes to exploring my queerness and my space within the community. I do feel happy just to sit back and learn right now, rather than to come out with my experience just yet, and I think that’s okay,” Azzopardi says.
“Another thing that adds to this guilt for me, is the experience I had in a previous relationship. It was a six year relationship with a cis man, who really weaponised my queerness to his advantage. He’d manipulate me into doing things with women, under the guise of ‘don’t you want to explore you sexuality? Now’s your chance.’ and I feel this shame that I allowed that to happen for so long, y’know?” Azzopardi says.
“I also never really got to appreciate the experiences I was having with women, because what I wanted was to be in a monogamous relationship with this person. I’m unpacking all of this now and it’s a lot to process, but I think it’s a huge reason as to why I’m hesitant to share my queer story on my social media platforms.
“I’m at the beginning of my journey still, and I have so much to learn about myself before I feel comfortable to be a huge part of the conversation.”
Everyone is at a different stage with their queerness, and we’ve all gone through different experiences that have led us on the path that we’re on right now. But one thing is for sure — being bisexual shouldn’t be discounted. B is part of the LGBTQIA+ acronym for a reason.
However, there is no time restraint on reaching a destination in your queer journey, and feeling pressured to label yourself, is not going to help you figure anything out. While we absolutely need to speak our truth and let it be heard in a public way, so that we can consistently encourage others to do the same, there’s no need to share before we feel comfortable to do so.
“The most important thing is to know that there’s no limit in figuring out how you identify; there are no set of parametres to identify as queer. When we’re exploring something that is so integral to our identify, we need to go slow and understand that there’s no wrong and right.”
“My advice would be to take as long as you like to explore, without the pressures to identify as a certain thing by a certain point. One of the most beautiful things about being human is that we have the freedom to always be changing and evolving, so embrace that.”
