Yesterday, on a whim, I downloaded all the popular dating apps. Bumble, Hinge, Tinder… all the classics. Part boredom, part curiosity — I think.
It’s been five years since I was last on a dating app. Having recently come out of a long-term relationship, I’m totally off my game. And so much has changed in the world of online dating.
When I first moved to Melbourne, back in 2015, it was all about Tinder. Not only was it the only dating app anyone talked about, but it was actually great. It was a simple ‘swipe right or left’ structure and at first, it felt like this super fun dating game.
But as other apps began to come onto the scene with question prompts, and heights and other info displayed on profiles, Tinder began to fade into the background. In my world, online dating became something to do when I was on the loo, or bored waiting for the tram. I stopped swiping with excitement of possibly being able to meet someone fabulous, and started doing it to get a quick validation fix.
It became like those days when you go shopping and you really want to find a cute outfit but nothing is quite looking right, so you settle for something sub-par and convince yourself it looks amazing because you just need to get what you came for. That’s what online dating was for me.
But yesterday, when I downloaded those apps again, I really hoped I’d find a new surge of energy for the modern dating landscape. And I did. Kinda.
So much has changed about online dating — and dating in general — since I was last on the apps, as a single person open to anything. The conversations around sexual fluidity, open relationships structures and gender, have made a bigger impact on dating apps than I was expecting. Setting up my profile included filling out things like pronouns, what kind of relationship I’m looking for, whether or not I’m a LGBTQIA+ or Black Lives Matter ally, my political beliefs, my star sign… the list goes on.
I think it’s great that these things clearly matter to so many of us, so much so, that mainstream dating apps see them as useful questions to ask for your profile. It definitely offers a different swiping experience from what I endured five years ago when there was really only a name, photos and an age to each person online.
I’ve never considered myself to be someone who can pick up on “vibes” online, so the lack of information negatively impacted my dating experiences. I never got a full read on someone but just looking at their profile.
But now, it’s a different story. I’m able to be fussier about the people I swipe right on, because I have a more of three-dimensional version of them online than what I used to have.
This leads me to the biggest difference I’ve seen on the apps so far — the conversations. People are surprisingly more open and vulnerable, and that makes them muuuuch hotter.
The first conversation I had, was with a 24-year-old guy on Bumble, about why he was on the app. He said:
“I feel lately that I’ve been very closed off with my sexuality, hence why I’m here. I thought I’d see what other people’s experiences have been and try to open myself up to exploring more.”
Safe to say, I was deeply impressed. First, at his honesty, and second, at his openness. We launched into a conversation around the need for emotional connection to have good sex and how to achieve that with someone you’re not necessarily in a relationship with. It was a thoroughly enjoyable chat, something I’ll admit I wasn’t expecting to find with a perfect stranger on a dating app — especially on the very first day of resuscitating my profile.
I went on to have a few other super interesting conversations. I chatted with a 28-year-old girl in an open relationship about how she’s navigating her newfound openness.
“It was me to asked to be open,” she explained, “but it’s been a bit of a struggle to navigate. Ethical non-monogamy doesn’t have a rule book, which is amazing, but also slightly terrifying.”
We spoke about her need to open up the relationship due to her wanting to explore her sexual attraction towards women.
“I’ve always considered myself bi, but have been consistently in relationships with men. It just got to a point where I needed to kind of push myself to get out there. I’m still hiding a little bit being on here, behind a screen etc, but I’m putting the energy out there.”
I’ve also had some less deep but equally as interesting conversations with people about their personal interests, such film, literature and music. Instead of the typical “yeah I like gigs” vibe — because who doesn’t? — it’s been more of “I love jazz music. It makes me feel calm and happy. I go to jazz night on Wednesday nights every week, you should come!” energy.
IDK if people are just more assertive, or my swiping skills have remarkably improved in my hiatus — maybe I just know what I like now? — but I’ve genuinely not had any duds. No “sup” or “what u doing” or “hey i wanna ruin your life” soft boi sh*t, nor any gross “Hey Baby ? tell me what you like” vibes either. Just straight up and down, hot, honest and open people.
Is my faith in the millennial and Gen Z modern dating world restored!? A little, for sure.
Despite the improvements, I’m still not sure that online dating is for me. I’m going to keep trialling for a few more weeks and see how I feel (and I will report back, of course). There’s just something about meeting someone in person that does it for me more. The way that someone commands a space, walks into a room, the way they talk and express themselves… I have no idea if I find someone attractive without seeing that. And frankly, I don’t have enough spare time to meet up with everyone I’m having a good chat with online.
Perhaps there’s also something to be said about the overwhelming options that online dating presents to us. There are so many people, it takes us out of the present and puts us in our heads. We’re wondering if anyone has liked us or replied to our messages, rather than being present in IRL interactions with our friends and any potential hot strangers we might meet.
I’m undecided. I don’t want to write dating apps off because they’re such a massive part of the modern dating world — one of my best friends is getting married to someone she met on Tinder, in a few weeks. And with the evolution in education around sexuality, love, consent, gender and relationships; maybe dating apps will become almost the same as the real deal.
Only time will tell. Watch this space.
