There’s a certain level of intimacy I’ve only unlocked within my closest friendships, with the friends I have woken up next to, cried in front of, and introduced to my family. For friendships that exist primarily online, this intimacy not only looks a little different, but feels different too.
In the past decade, social media has changed the very definition of what it means to be someone’s friend. Answering the question “are you friends?” now comes with a new set of definitions, stretching across various platforms. Much like the intimacy I’ve spent years building with my friends in real life, there are now hundreds of feelings — some joyful, while others less so — that are unique to online friendships, from seeing the green circle of someone’s Instagram Close Friends list for the first time to being DM’d a meme that so perfectly and specifically describes you that you can’t help but feel deeply understood.
Social media is, by definition, about connecting with friends. On MySpace, I agonised over my top eight, reordering them weekly. On Bebo, I “shared the love” with a different friend each day. In the 16 years I’ve been on Facebook, the value I place on my friendships which exist on the site has changed dramatically, but it’s kept me connected to literally hundreds of people I couldn’t possibly have stayed in touch with otherwise.
But today, the distinction between being part of someone’s social media audience and being their friend isn’t as clear as it should be — the difference between being a follower and “real” friend can easily be blurred. Becoming someone’s friend on social media is easy, but whether it exists primarily online or in-person, all friendships take work.
In a 2022 study, researchers asked young Australians how they think their interactions with close friends online are different from those they have in real life. Of the 627 people interviewed, 567 said there was a difference between their online and offline interactions.
One of the most talked about perks of online interactions between friends was the feeling of control we have when texting or talking over social media — we can take our time to reply and craft exactly what we want to say before hitting send. Still, most of the people interviewed said that, despite the perks of messaging, they were more likely to have deeper and richer conversations in person.
On social media, it’s easy to create the illusion of closeness, through heart-reacts and inside jokes, which can be screenshot and shared with the masses. One of my biggest issues with the performance of friendship online is the way it can influence the decisions we make in real life.
Dinners are booked at restaurants with good lighting and photogenic table settings, instead of hosted at friend’s houses; and rare dinner parties at home are curated with pretty glassware and painstakingly created cheese platters. I know these things to be true because they’re decisions I’ve made myself. As conscious as I am of the way social media changes the way I spend time with the people I hold closest, I still find it hard to push back on the modern expectation that socialising shouldn’t just be meaningful and restorative — it should also be worthy of a post.
But beyond the performative nature of social media, and the way we present our idealised friendships on it, there is much to be said about the joy of online friendships – because viewing these types of relationships as less valuable than those we can have in real life is a privilege.
For people living with disabilities, long-term illness or chronic pain, social media can provide a vital bridge to friendship. People who are isolated — for whatever reason it may be — are now able to find communities they otherwise wouldn’t be able to. Whether these online connections ever formalise with in-person meetings is often besides the point.
Social media can amplify feelings of loneliness, but it can also make us feel less lonely. Friendships that exist primarily online can be just as nurturing, close, and valid as those that exist offline. The only solution to the paradox of online friendship I can see lies in acknowledging both the light and shade of these connections, and a promise to consider the perks and pitfalls of social media, when it comes to our most important relationships: our friendships.
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Gyan Yankovich is the author of Just Friends (Ultimo Press) out January 31, 2024.
