As someone who only started having sex with women in her early twenties — after years of fantasising — I can totally relate to the initial intimidation that comes with v-on-v sex.
I remember the first time I knew that I was going to have sex with a girl I really liked. We’d been flirting all night and she pulled me into a storage closet (very fitting) to make out with me. It was on. I plied myself with many daiquiris and attempted to throw everything I thought I knew about sex out of the window. I wanted to learn and enjoy without being nervous.
But I was still pretty nervy. I think it’s because we’re so aware of our bodies as women, and how they’re so often objectified and sexualised to the benefit of men. I found it hard to imagine being sexual towards a woman in my mind, because I didn’t want to make her feel disrespected or as though I only saw her in a sexual light. I had felt that way so often in sex with men.
I didn’t want this to feel the same. It was as though everything I knew was no longer relevant and that, was scary.
“Women aren’t as scary as you’d think,” the girl I liked back then told me, in the heat of the moment. My ex echoes that same sentiment to me now, when I ask her what she thinks about the intimidation of women entering into sex with other women.
When you like someone and you want to be intimate with them, it’s normal way to feel a little nervous and intimidated. If anything, it heightens the sexual tension and strengthens the connection during sex.
Recently, I’ve had a few curious babes pop up in my Instagram DMs asking for some tips on having sex with another woman for the first time. So, I asked a queer friend, an ex and sex therapist, Georgia Grace, for some tips on having sex with a woman, as a woman. This is what they said:
“Be Honest”
“If you’re nervous, tell them that!” advises my friend Casey, who identifies as queer. “I think it’s okay to communicate to that literal degree; it doesn’t take any of the allure away.”
In fact, she says, it can actually be a great tension builder.
In my experience, if you get into a situation with a woman, girl or anyone femme presenting or identifying, and you feel undeniably nervous — like so nervous that you’re pretty sure they’ll notice — then being honest is your friend. Often, in intimate moments, being super honest can be revealing and therefore, quite endearing. Plus, it gives the person you’re being intimate with the opportunity to take the lead; if they have more experience and feel comfortable doing so.
“One of the biggest fears I think we have is that the other person will know we’re not experienced, but it truly doesn’t matter,” Casey says.
“Communication Is Hot”
“Ask them what they like!” says sex and relationship practitioner, Georgia Grace. “You will never be an expert in someone else’s body, and every time you have sex with someone new — you have to learn about their body.”
I think one of the most special and beautiful things about having sex with new people is the different experiences that they’ll bring. No two experiences are the same — even if they’re with the same person — and that (in my opinion) is one of the most amazing things about sex. It might help make it less intimidating to simply think of this experience as a new person — rather than a whole new gender and world of pleasure — so as to take the pressure off yourself. Go into the experience just thinking of it as a new person, who you’re excited to learn more about.
“Ask them how they’d like to be touched, kissed and stimulated. Everybody is different!” says Grace.
“I love affirming women and telling them verbally that what they’re doing feels good, or telling them what I’m enjoying at what I want them to do,” says Casey. “It’s also like a layer of consent, and making sure that everyone is having a good time.”
“You Know More Than You Think”
“If you have a vulva — think about what you like, how and where you like to be touched,” advises Grace.
Although every vulva is different, there’s no harm in trying out the things you like to do to yourself — on someone else. Chances are, they might like it. And, if they don’t, remember that communication is your best friend.
“You already know what feels good to you,” says my friend Chelsea, who identifies as lesbian and who I actually used to date. “I bet you’ve had conversations with your friends too, about what feels good to them.”
It’s true that we’re pretty lucky, as women, that we often have a super open dialogue with our friends about what we’ve experienced that we’ve liked and disliked, when it comes to sex. Plus, if you look at the statistics of orgasms had in queer relationships vs. straight relationships (86 percent of lesbian women orgasm during sex, compared to 65 percent in straight relationships) — the odds are stacked in your favour.
“Don’t Expect a Grand Finale”
“Before I came out, I once had a guy tell me that I probably couldn’t cum, because I couldn’t cum from penetration with him,” says Chelsea. “The worst part is — I believed him!
“A lot of people genuinely don’t understand the idea of not getting off from penetration alone, but the majority of women don’t orgasm with penetration. We’re taught to see sex with this final goal, this amazing, earth-shattering orgasm; but that’s not always the case.
“I think that idea is pretty ego-driven. Sex should be fun and connect people, not be some weird space for your ego.”
Truthfully, and I can speak for myself here; women experience orgasms very differently to men, but we haven’t been taught to normalise that. Sometimes female orgasms are small and quiet, sometimes they’re simply through nipple play or external stimulation and don’t require penetration at all. For some people, penetration doesn’t equal sex. It’s really about connecting with the person you’re being intimate with and finding out what they like.
“Start Slow”
As with any new sexual relationship, there’s no rush. We often feel as though we need to get straight into it, whether it be to validate the other person or ourselves, to slice through the sexual tension or because we feel that impending doom of societal pressure creeping up behind you… but it’s okay to just chill, for a bit.
And, while there’s no right or wrong amount of time to wait until you have sex, easing in slowly can definitely help alleviate some of the nerves.
Even when it comes to the actual sex itself, spending a little bit of extra time on foreplay is literally never a bad idea. That way you can get to know the other person’s body and get comfy in their intimate presence before you take things up a notch.
“Start slow — take time to build arousal, bring your and their whole body into the experience,” recommends Grace. “You don’t need to rush to the genitals — foreplay always makes sex better.”
“Redefine How You Think About Sex”
It’s good to take time to acknowledge that many of us haven’t been taught how to navigate same-sex intimacy before. Until now, sex education and literature have centred around male pleasure, the penis and male ejaculation. Us women be out here, doing it for ourselves!
So, it’s not surprising that you’re a little overwhelmed at how wlw (women loving women) sex will look and feel. But chances are, you’re here because you’re open to redefining what the mainstream model of sex looks like.
“One of the more challenging things my clients need to overcome when they’re having sex with a woman for the first time, is the sexual script that sex = penetration,” says Grace. “You’ll need to queer up your definition of sex — it can literally be whatever you want.”
Think about the kind of sex you want to have. How you want to feel. How you want the other person to feel. What do you want to do to make the other person feel that way?
Despite what might remain in our subconscious, sex has so many purposes. It’s not just about penetration, male cum and making babies. It’s about connection, pleasure, intimacy, a form of expression, learning about ourselves, emotional release… the list is endless. And as far as physicality goes, sex doesn’t require penetration. Sex for you can be touching, an emotion, a space, or a mindset.
“Throw the idea out the window that sex has a moment of “completion,” says Casey, “or that the actual act of sex is penetration, because that idea is limiting. Sometimes gay sex can follow the blueprint of archetypal heterosexual sex, and it doesn’t need to. That is one of the most beautiful things about queer sex, it opens up a realm of possibility that you may never have ventured within before.”
“Educate Yourself”
You’ve landed on this article, so you’re already doing great.
However, if you’re keen for more extensive education, there are some pretty incredible resources that you can consume, that will help to fill you with confidence and excitement.
My personal favourite is Normal’s The Modern Guide to Sex, the sex education you wish you had in high school. It’s completely free and covers literally everything, from finding your pleasure spot, to anal, to v-on-v sex, to oral sex. You can find it here.
Following incredible people like Georgia Grace and Chantelle Otten, can help too, just for a general bit of constant sex ed in your newsfeed.
