A few years ago. being alone was my favourite place to be. When I first moved to Melbourne, my most common pastime was getting dressed up in something fabulous and sitting at a cute bar by myself, waiting to see if something wild would happen. And it almost always did.
Although I’ve missed that feeling, I don’t feel as comfortable in it as I used to.
I’m fresh out of a long-term relationship and it’s very unknown territory for me. I don’t know if I remember how to be alone and enjoy it. Part of me feels free and excited at the newness and all the opportunity that comes with that, while another part of me feels cautious and unsure.
But the good news is: I’ve moved into a beautiful house above one of my favourite bars. Not only has it been a dream of mine since I was a child to live above a pretty cocktail bar in Melbourne but it also means that it’s super easy to get back out in the world.
So, I thought, wouldn’t it be fun to dress in nice clothes and sit at the bar each night for a work week, and see what happened?
Turns out, lots still happens when you venture out alone with an open mind.
Monday
This night, I went to dance training and happened to walk past a bar on my way home. It wasn’t my local and I needed to start the week off on fresh footing.
In an effort to remind myself that it’s okay to be alone and to feel comfortable within that, I needed to separate myself from people and places that are familiar. I found that doing this, going to a different bar to start the week, helped to remind me what I feel like in a place that is physically unfamiliar. It made me ask questions like… Who am I in those places? Who do I want to be?
I sat at the bar with a glass of wine and reminisced about my first year in Melbourne. Who I wanted to be back then is so different from who I want to be now. I care much less about being liked and much more about making a positive impact on those around me. I’m also not just going to bars to flirt with bartenders anymore, which is refreshing. That was a whole phase.
Tuesday
I always dance on Tuesdays and it usually goes pretty late, but our second session cancelled because the studio was double-booked. So, what did I do? You guessed it. I went to the bar beneath my house. Back to my comfort place.
It was around 9:30pm when I got home, so I ate some leftovers, had a shower and went down. By the time I did, it was 10:30pm, and they were closing up. This is arguably my favourite time to go into any bar — when there are people I know — because it’s always super relaxed. There’s always a bartender smoking inside, someone telling crazy stories and free-flowing delicious wine. This is exactly the scene I walked into.
There was one person there who I didn’t know. My friend who works at the bar introduced us and we shared a strangely intimate hug. I awkwardly turned my head towards him as he went in for the hug, and being quite a bit taller than me, my face ended up in his neck. He didn’t seem to mind.
Some of the men shared a story about that night, that a woman had accused them of being anti-feminist because they hadn’t asked her what she did for a living. “If I had a d*ck, would you have asked me what I do yet?” she barked at them, apparently. This sparked a long and heated conversation around feminism, and the importance of open female anger in society right now.
As a woman who has moments of feeling quite angry toward men, I found their perspectives really interesting and insightful. “How can we learn if we’re not given the space to make mistakes?” they asked, which I think is an extremely fair question. It gave me a lot to think about.
Wednesday
I had a really low day today. Some days, at the moment, I just feel this weight of grief — letting go of a life, a relationship, a house, a future… and today it hit me hard. I was plagued with questions like “why did I end it?”, “could I have tried harder?”, “am I ready to move on?”. Every person I spoke to during the day who truly knows me, like my mum and a few of my best friends, just made me cry.
I went out for dinner with a friend and couldn’t quite relax. I just felt like I needed to be out but alone. I communicated this with them, and went to the bar on my way home, to sit and stew in my own feelings for a bit. It was a rainy midweek weeknight, so I assumed that the bar would be pretty empty and that no one would want to strike up a conversation. I was wrong.
Honestly, it never ceases to amaze me just how friendly people are in Melbourne. Being from Adelaide, I remember feeling shocked when I first moved here at 19 years old and made the best of friends by going out on my own. Everyone is really clicky where I’m from. You could sit at a bar by yourself for an entire night and no one will talk to you (not always, but most of the time). In Melbourne, if you’re by yourself and open to conversation, you can guarantee that there’ll be someone there, who will strike up a conversation.
A girl at the bar who was also by herself started up a conversation with me. It was small talk, mostly.
“How’s your night been?”
“I’m having a bit of shit day today.”
“We all have them. I’ve been there recently.”
“What did you get up to?”
“I went and saw a show.”
“By yourself?”
“Yeah!”
“Amazing.”
We went on like that for a wine, sipping our wines.
After she left, I sat for a while longer. Usually, small talk leaves me feeling tired, but it actually made me feel quite content. It’s really nice to chat with someone without any expectation of depth, or emotional energy.
Then, a girl who I’d noticed at the other end the bar — she was with another girl and they looked gorge and were having a fab time — pulled up a stool and sat next to me.
“I’m coming to introduce myself,” she said, slightly slurring her words, but not in a too-drunk kinda way. She was the fun kind of tipsy where you want to share your deepest feelings and favourite stories with everyone and also just spread the physical love.
I found out that her — and her friend she was with — actually kind of have a crush on each other. Both still discovering their queerness, they’d initially hung out with each other (a few years ago) not knowing if it was a friend date or a date date. Being bisexual, I can relate. It’s hard to know if a woman is into you or just wants to be your friend, and you don’t want to assume.
Having met in Melbourne, one of them had moved to Sydney, and had come down to visit. She now has a boyfriend, which makes their friendship and attraction a little complicated, but they also seemed very open and relaxed about it. This whole interaction made me think about myself and my friends. I’ve often wondered if there’s sometimes a bit of sexual attraction in really close friendships and if being attracted to someone, is just another way of identifying someone you have a connection with. While your connection might not be sexual, perhaps being attracted to them in the first place is being attracted to their soul? The person inside? I’m also a big fan of kissing my friends, so maybe I’m just bias and horny.
These girls and I followed each other on Instagram, and I’m planning on getting a martini with the one who lives in Melbourne next week, at that same bar. It’s our local, after all.
Thursday
Today was super humid and all I was thinking about for the entire afternoon, was drinking a spritz. As soon as work ended and I got home, I went downstairs and ordered one. My favourite right now is called the “Olive Spritz”, with olive brine syrup, vermouth, soda and Prosecco. Delish. As I was sitting outside, my childhood friend/crush called me. Let me explain.
This guy and I, we grew up on the same street. I met him when I was fourteen and thought he was the most attractive boy I’d ever seen. He wore Hawaiian shirts and had a large vocabulary and worked at the only salsa bar in the city. He spoke to me like I was an adult and he pissed off my dad with his obnoxious stories, so what’s not to love?
He’s a few years older than me, and moved away for a good portion of my high school years. When he came back we kissed and I freaked out. I wasn’t ready to feel vulnerable. Our relationship has been a bit up and down over the years, but now we’re in a place where we’re truly just good friends. And it’s lovely.
So, he came to meet me. He’s going through a no drinking phase, so he had a coffee and I sipped at my spritz while he asked me all about my life. I had lots to say, as he hadn’t seen me since before the break up and the move.
We spoke for hours, like we usually do. The boys at the bar asked me if I was on a date. I laughed because once upon a time I would’ve been delighted to be on a date with this man and the question of whether or not he liked me back would’ve absolutely taunted me. But now, over ten years later, we’re still talking for hours at bars. But it’s so much more relaxed and wholesome and meaningful.
Friday
Friday was one of those days that I woke up tired. Whether it was the wild grey storms in Melbourne, presenting an inescapable reminder of how I was actually feeling on the inside, or the fact that I was just dealing with a lot of change, I didn’t know. It could’ve also been because it was the week before my period.
After working from home until three, I rushed to a test shoot, where I tried to roll around on the floor and be sexy for a few hours, doing the model thang. I think I pulled it off — the loud rain on the tin roof of the photo studio ignited something in me that gave me energy. Feeling revitalised, I headed home and changed into a vintage button-down ’70s print dress and a fur vest. Then, I went down to the cocktail bar beneath my house.
There’s something truly romantic about being in a warm, buzzing cocktail bar while it’s pouring rain outside. And this cocktail bar, my second home at this point, was literally the scene out of a old film where a gorgeous woman runs in, clutching her fur above her head to protect her make-up, only to be welcomed with warm jazz tones, a dry gin martini and men in three-piece suits. The woman was me — in my Audrey Hepburn fantasy — but I drank a coffee instead of a martini. I told you I was tired.
After sitting there for a while, sinking into the chaos of the first dates and busy hospitality around me, I got a message from a girl I’ve been chatting to. She asked if I wanted to get a wine. We have opposing schedules and have been struggling to find substantial time to see each other, so despite feeling less-than-flirty, I agreed. I was already at a bar, after all.
We met a few months ago, just before I embarked on a three-week overseas trip with my ex and our friends (a story for another time). She served my friends and I at a restaurant and I felt an immediate spark with her, but wasn’t sure what to make of it. Later that night, she found me on Instagram and told me I was the most beautiful woman she’s ever seen. We’d been planning on catching up ever since I got back, but we couldn’t find the time. Then, when we did, she “wigged out” — apparently, I make her nervous? The thought of her makes me blush, honestly. We ended up getting a quick wine two weeks ago, but I had to rush off to dinner. I really wanted to kiss her that night, but I felt self-conscious — I didn’t want to come on too strong.
So, fast forward to now, two weeks later, and she came and met me at the bar beneath my house.
I went from thinking that one wine would send me to sleep, to ordering a margarita, two wines later. If you know me, you know that margaritas are my flirty drink of choice, so it was safe to say that my low-energy vibe had been very much turned around. It’s pretty amazing how much being attracted to someone and super engaged in a conversation with them can lift your spirits. The more we talked, the lighter I began to feel. I can’t even explain how nice it is to be attracted to a girl again, to be on a date out in the open and feel amazing about it, to be talking to someone at a bar and go between being really interested in what they’re saying and feeling distracted by wanting to kiss them… it’s honestly a rush.
I hadn’t looked at my phone for hours. When I finally did, I realised I was running late for dinner. The girl said she’d drive me. We kissed in the car before I left to go and meet my friend and it genuinely made me feel giddy. I spent most of the night thinking about it (and sending her messages about how much I wanted to do it again).
