Have you ever started dating someone and found that, before you’ve even defined the relationship, they’re taking up room not only in your bed but also your wardrobe and bathroom cabinet? You’re not alone. It turns out this phenomenon has become so commonplace that there’s even a term for it known as ‘hobosexual’.
Hobosexuality Defined
The word ‘hobosexual’ was coined by Rolling Out writer Nakita Nicci, meaning “a person who dates you with the sole interest of having a place to stay — not a genuine romantic interest.”
Hobosexuals tend to take mooching to another level as they seek shelter in your home under the guise of having feelings for you and wanting to spend every moment together.
The result is an exploitative relationship that has potentially negative emotional and financial consequences for whoever chooses to host these home-hopping freeloaders long-term.
Is Hobosexuality Really a Thing?
According to former “Married at First Sight” contestant Hayley Vernon, “when it comes to men, I was finding after a few dates and sexy time staying at my houses I was getting messages throughout the day like ‘what’s for dinner?’ followed by them rocking up to my house with bags full of clothes”.
While at the start Vernon didn’t see a problem, it wasn’t until her home had “become their nesting place and the place they would conveniently come back and forth to” that she realised “a lot of guys are looking for a set-up home.”
Likewise, nutritionist and anxiety mindset coach Georgie Collinson personally knows of someone who, aware of his good looks and charm, “got through his backpacking trip by being a hobosexual.”
Signs to Look Out For
So how do you know if the person you’re seeing is just using you for a roof over their head? Below are 4 signs your bae is actually a hobosexual.
The relationship moves at an accelerated pace
If they’re asking for keys to your house within the first month of meeting you it could be a sign that their intentions are not legitimate. Those who are genuinely interested in you, and invested in the longevity of the relationship, are more likely to take their time to get to know you and progress the relationship to the next level.
They never go home
Moving in together is a significant relationship milestone that requires a serious conversation. If you notice you haven’t spent a night apart and their belongings are all over your home, you may be cohabitating without knowing it.
They’re “in-between” places or jobs
If they reveal they are currently house or job hunting but make no effort to secure either and are constantly spending the night at yours, they might just be using you because they have nowhere else to go or no means of supporting themselves.
Everything seems too good to be true
As the saying goes, if something seems too good to be true it probably is. Although it can be fun to dive right into a relationship, take a step back and consider if this dynamic is based on compatibility or convenience.
What to Do If You Realise You’re Dating a Hobosexual
Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures, but as dating columnist Jana Hocking claims, “there is no greater ick than realising someone has been dating you for a transactional experience rather than a romantic one. It feels cheap and nasty.”
Hocking says “if your gut is telling you something isn’t quite right, I would suggest asking them a few more probing questions, and focus on what they are bringing to the relationship, compared to what you bring. If it doesn’t feel balanced, then it’s a big red flag.”
If you’re wondering how you even ended up in the situation to begin with, Collinson explains “there is a communication issue if someone is using you for your accommodation and this is where boundaries need to be discussed.”
Although setting boundaries might run the risk of losing them all together, as Collinson states “if someone is using you just for a place to stay and not for love or not for what feels fair to you then I don’t know if it’s such a loss if they leave you anyway.”
While finding potential matches have never been more accessible, for many people dating and relationships have never been more difficult. Collinson believes “a part of the reason for that is that there are no set expectations anymore for the norm. It is all very much something that needs to be discussed and open to negotiation.”
If boundaries aren’t your strong point, try to be clear about your expectations before letting anyone crash at your abode because you might just find yourself accidentally living with someone who was only ever meant to be a one-night stand.
Nicole Colantoni is a dating and relationship expert. As POPSUGAR Australia’s dating columnist, Nicole will share updates on dating trends, advice, and answer all your burning questions. Slide into her DMs to share what you’d like her to answer next. Nicole hosts a podcast, Love Uncensored: The Modern Guide to Dating & Relationships, which you can learn more about and listen here.
