Okay so I’ve just started dating again, and it’s a little overwhelming.
I mean, I’m excited to meet new people and explore the world as a single babe again. I’ve missed going on dates and the feeling of endless opportunity that comes with walking into a bar or a restaurant and meeting someone new.
But I’m definitely feeling nervous. I’m so much more aware of myself now, that I’m worried I won’t be as chill on first dates as I used to be. I also don’t want to waste my time. I have so many amazing friends I barely see, because we’re all busy out here hustling and following our dreams that I want to seize any free time I have to spend with them — not on a potentially-terrible date.
Maybe I just want to go on meaningful dates that create meaningful connections, and that requires finessing how to connect with someone quickly and be honest about what you want, right from the first date.
Director of Relationship Science at “designed-to-be-deleted” dating app Hinge, Logan Ury, agrees with me. According to her, it’s all in the questions you ask on a first date.
Below, she shares the best questions for you to ask on a first date, to cut through the bullsh*t, depending on what you’re looking for.
When You Know What You Want:
“What are you looking for?”
People are often afraid to be direct about this topic. But with 34% of Hinge daters falling into a ‘situationship’ (an undefined relationship) before, it’s important to be upfront. It will help save both of you time and heartache if you talk early on about what you’re looking for. It doesn’t have to be scary! Start by sharing your own story. For example, “I’ve been dating for a while, which has had its ups and downs. I know I’m ready to find someone. What about you? What are you looking for?” The key is to model the honesty and vulnerability you want to see in the other person’s response.
When You’re Ready to Ditch the Small Talk:
“What would 16-year-old you think of your life right now?”
So often we stay at the shallow end of the pool on dates. Where are you from? How long have you lived here? What do you do? But 93% of Hinge daters prefer to date someone who’s emotionally vulnerable. Real connection comes from real vulnerability. That means sharing what’s going on for you in your life. Go to the deeper end by talking about a hobby or topic you’re passionate about, something you have learned that’s changed your perspective, or something that challenged you this week.
When You Want to Know If They Have a Growth Mindset:
“What’s something that used to be hard for you that you’ve gotten better at?”
Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck spent decades studying what she calls “fixed” and “growth” mindsets. People with a growth mindset believe that they can improve their intelligence and skills. They love to learn. They’re motivated by challenges and see failure as a sign that they need to stretch their abilities. They’re resilient and comfortable taking risks. Someone with a fixed mindset believes the opposite: that talent and intelligence are assigned at birth, and taking a risk only presents an opportunity to embarrass yourself.
You want to align yourself with someone who has a growth mindset because when problems arise, which they inevitably will, you’ll want a partner who will rise to the occasion, not throw up their hands in defeat. A person with a growth mindset is much more likely to buckle down and work on improving things rather than give up on the relationship and assume things can’t be fixed.
When You Want to Laugh:
“What’s your go-to dad joke?”
A date should feel fun, not like a job interview! Humour is a great tool to create a sense of play. When we laugh, our brains release a happy cocktail of hormones, changing our psychology. Laughing releases oxytocin—the same bonding hormone released during sex and breast feeding—and makes us trust the other person more.
When Your Date Isn’t Asking Questions:
“Is there a question you’d like to ask to get to know me better?”
Many of my coaching clients complain that their dates don’t ask them any questions. They’ll say, “After our date, I could’ve written their biography, and they don’t know a thing about me.” In this situation, their dates are being a ZQ — Zero Questions. You can help people avoid being a ZQ by letting them know you’d also like to be asked questions.
Alternative questions for ZQ dates:
“You know, I must apologise. I realise that I’ve been asking all the questions. What can I tell you about myself?”
“I don’t want to be bombarding you with questions, please feel free to ask me something!”
“That’s really interesting. Would you like to know what I think about that?”
