Can men and women really just be friends? Or is it a case of “friends with benefits” or nothing at all?
It’s a question that’s been asked time and time again, and the answer is often hotly debated. Some say that it’s not only possible but also essential, while others argue that it’s just not in our DNA. So, which is it?
Let’s take a look at why platonic friendships may not be as innocent as they seem.
Picture this: You meet someone new, and you hit it off. You have similar interests, you enjoy spending time together, and you feel like you can be yourself around this person. It’s all fun and games, right? But what happens when one of you starts catching feelings and developing a deeper attraction toward the other? And what if this person happens to be your friend’s partner?
Or imagine this: you’re at work, and you meet someone new. You start talking, and before you know it, you’re spending your lunch breaks together, sharing inside jokes, and confiding in each other about work and personal life. Suddenly, what started as a professional relationship turned into a full-blown office romance.
Both these scenarios prove that it’s not always easy for men and women to be “just friends”. There’s always the potential for attraction and desire to muddy the waters. But does that mean that it’s impossible?
What the Experts Say
Psychologist Dr. Kelly Rabenstein debunks the romantic myth propagated by movies like “When Harry Met Sally” and ‘No Strings Attached’ by claiming that contrary to popular belief, men and women can be just friends! Dr. Kelly explains “I love men, but I am not attracted to all men” and emphasises that effective communication and boundaries are crucial for happy and healthy platonic relationships.
According to relationship coach Evan Marc Katz, past romantic encounters can resolve any sexual tension and make friendship easier. But watch out for alcohol, loneliness, and horniness — they can still make things complicated.
While being in a committed relationship can help eliminate temptation, he discourages making new opposite-sex friends after marriage. Katz believes that for men, maturity and self-control are key to successfully preserving opposite-sex friendships and that “while attraction itself is not a choice, acting on that attraction is”.
For those in committed relationships, Dr. Karin Anderson Abrell believes opposite-sex friendships are still possible as long as respect for your partner is maintained and clear boundaries are set.
Dr. Karin suggests checking the appropriateness of your opposite-sex friendship by asking yourself “would I say this to my friend if my spouse were here” or “would I do this with my friend if my spouse were in the room?”. If the answer is no, you might find yourself in a murky situation.
Does the Research Agree?
New research suggests that doubts surrounding the legitimacy of opposite-sex friendships may hold some merit.
According to a study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, they’re often just a façade hiding romantic tension and sexual urges bubbling beneath the surface.
What’s more, the study revealed significant differences between how men and women perceive opposite-sex friendships. Men, for example, were more likely than women to be attracted to their opposite-sex friends and initiate friendships based on this attraction.
When researchers at the University of Wisconsin investigated the matter, they found that men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends, while women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends.
So, while women may genuinely believe that opposite-sex friendships are platonic, the research suggests that men, in particular, have a hard time being “just friends”.
Do’s and Dont’s
That’s not to say that platonic cross-gender relationships are unattainable. But, before you jump in, it’s essential to set some ground rules to make sure the friendship stays on track. Here are some practical do’s and don’ts to follow:
Draw the Line
Avoid sending mixed signals or blurring the lines of your relationship by communicating your expectations and respecting each other’s boundaries.
Honesty Is the Best Policy
If you’re starting to feel some sparks, let them know. If they express romantic interest in you, be clear about your intentions.
Set the Record Straight
Don’t let anyone force a romantic label or marriage proposal on your friendship just because you’re of different genders.
Reduce Threats
If you’re in a relationship, be open and honest with your partner about your friendship and involve them in your hangouts.
The jury might always be out when it comes to the sincerity of cross-sex bonds. While some might find it a breeze, others may struggle. By establishing ground rules from the start, at least you’re setting yourself up for a better chance of success.
So, can men and women be friends? Ultimately, the choice is yours to make!
Nicole Colantoni is a dating and relationship expert. As POPSUGAR Australia’s dating columnist, Nicole will share updates on dating trends, advice, and answer all your burning questions. Slide into her DMs to share what you’d like her to answer next. Nicole hosts a podcast, Love Uncensored: The Modern Guide to Dating & Relationships, which you can learn more about and listen here.
