As a recently single person who really likes to have sex, I’ve been thinking a lot about why we put so much pressure on sex, when it comes to connecting to each other.
I kissed a friend of mine the other day and it was really nice. It was slow and intimate in moments and passionate in moments, and the feeling of someone I know really well touching me in an unfamiliar way that felt really good, is something I want to hold onto for a little bit. I know I’ll want to have sex with him (I already do), but my instinct is to take it slow, indulge in all the beautiful intimacies that exist outside of sex that honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever treasured enough.
“There are so many ways to experience intimacy,” sex and relationship practitioner, Georgia Grace, tells me.
“It’s all about how we use our bodies for intimacy, because every person and every moment is different. It could be looking at someone in their eyes for an extended period of time, touching sensitive parts of their body, that you don’t just get to experience with the average person, pleasure and orgasm through touching and even kissing — there’s really not much that is more intimate than putting our tongue in someone’s else’s mouth.
“Intimacy can also be meeting someone important to them, someone in their life, a family member, a housemate.”
Maybe it’s just that I’m getting older and sex is becoming less scary to me, but the deepness of intimacy without sex is way more appealing now than it ever has been. I feel open and vulnerable enough to spend time staring into someone else’s eyes and touching their body in sensitive places that allow me to get to know how they respond, what they like and truly, just know them better. I think I’m just becoming more comfortable with vulnerability.
“Sex is often seen as something that is an easier way to connect with someone, while intimacy (without sex) is seen as more difficult, more revealing and vulnerable,” Grace says.
She’s right. Perhaps the reason I’ve been more comfortable in sex than in intimacy is because I’ve been resistant to fully opening up. I’m learning now, that to feel comfortable and safe with someone’s body is a true gift, and when it comes to modern dating, I’m not sure that we give those moments the space that they deserve.
One of my good friends Will, has recently decided that he doesn’t need to have sex to feel connected to people and in fact, he doesn’t really feel like having it. He’s currently practising celibacy, which basically just means to abstain from sex, but not in a suppressive way, like it used to.
“I just like to be near someone,” he tells me, over a coffee. “I don’t need sex. I definitely need to be touched, and I feel way more exposed and vulnerable and connected when someone is just holding me or kissing me.”
I’ve known Will since we were both teenagers, living on the same street in the leafy suburbs of Adelaide, which means I knew him through a time in his life when he was having a lot of sex. He was your classic charming, intellectual, obnoxious teenage boy, a conversationalist full of charisma beyond his years. I had a crush on Will. Everyone had a crush on Will.
He indulged in these years and broke many hearts in the process (not mine, thank god). But, according to him, he felt very disassociated throughout those young sexual experiences.
“I wasn’t really in my body,” he says. “I was just kind of doing the thing, the thing that everyone else was doing and it was to get drunk and take drugs and have sex with hot babes. And sure, I enjoyed it in moments and I certainly am grateful for those experiences — I feel much differently now.”
“I really like the idea of traditional monogamy and just being close to someone. Even in a relationship, I don’t feel the need to have sex all the time. I like sex, but I love to be intimate without it more. I’m fascinated by how intimate you can get without the sex, and how that intimacy makes me feel. It makes me feel safe and seen, more than sex ever has.”
Will describes being able to compartmentalise sex from intimacy, almost as though it’s a sport or an activity that is separate to emotion.
“I think I learnt how to separate sex from emotion, because I was young and didn’t want a girlfriend. I also wasn’t as self-assured as I am now, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid of getting hurt. Sex physically opens you up, but it doesn’t stop you from emotionally closing off, which I think is what I did.”
“Even though I don’t do that anymore, I still prefer to only have sex with someone I’ve already been intimate with. The intimate moments are the most fulfilling for me, right now. So, while I’m not in a relationship, I’m just not having sex.
“I’m super open to other forms of intimacy, though. Always.”
The concept of being able to separate sex from a emotion is a really interesting one. Similarly to Will, I learnt from an early age how to have sex with my guard up, to protect myself as well as others. For me personally, it was also a bit about control. As a young girl who thought that having casual sex would decrease my value, I was surprised to learn of all the empowerment that sex would bring to my life. I realised that I could be in control, and I didn’t want to let that go. So, I closed off emotionally.
Even now, although I’m craving intimacy without sex much more than I ever have, I can still appreciate sex for just sex; and enjoy it.
According to Georgia Grace, there’s nothing wrong with that.
“We’ve often been told that we need to have an emotional connection with someone before having sex, or before having good sex — which just isn’t true for everyone,” she says. “While a lot of people do identify that when they’ve created safety, built a connection, whether that be with physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, or both, they have better sex, that doesn’t mean you can’t have sex purely to have sex.”
With so much conditioning around the importance of sex in our lives and our relationships, it’s no wonder that these dynamics can be confusing. From very early on, we hear so much about the importance of sex, how important it is to wait for it, the correct number of dates to have without it, it’s impact on our worthiness, what it says about our relationship and more.
“We’re surrounded by messages that sex is a vital part of being a human. And while yes, it can be and we should celebrate that, it’s also vital to recognise that sex (or the lack there of) can look and feel different for each individual scenario.
“Sometimes you’ll be on a date with someone and just be feeling it. You’ll think yes, this feels great and you feel safe and that leads you into wanting to have sex. Which is great! You might have a connection with someone that is purely sexual. Maybe you’re emotional while you’re having sex, or you feel connected to them emotionally while you’re f*cking, but you don’t care to be intimate with them outside of the bedroom.
“And then, there might be another situation where you just want to learn everything about someone’s body and soul and experience them without the sex, because that’s what your instinct is telling you. And that’s also amazing; you have to listen to that.”
I’m fascinated by my own desire to really get intimate with people right now. Having recently come out of a relationship — and not looking for anything serious for a while — I feel this new openness to just truly get intimate with people. I want to lie in a sea of linen blankets and stare into someone’s eyes. I want to talk about people’s past lives and things that have impacted them most, while I caress their leg with my fingertips. I want to truly take in someone’s face, touch under their eyes and feel the shape of their jawline and neck. I just want pure, deep intimacy — more than I want sex.
Being a person who loves sex, I know that this intimacy will most likely lead me to wanting to have sex. Getting to know people in an intimate way, often makes them even more sexually attractive to me. However, I’m open to the idea that that might not happen, too. Maybe I’ll be in deeply intimate relationships without the sex? That idea is quite a lovely one.
Asexual model, activist and filmmaker, Caroline Cull, finds most of her intimacy in just being close with someone.
“Whether it’s cuddling, holding hands or slow dancing; I feel way more connected than I think I ever would by having sex, with just physical touch. I think a lot of people use sex as an intermediary to have those close moments, but I feel like I just cut out the middle man.”
Intimacy is different for everyone, Cull acknowledges, but says that as someone who identifies as asexual, she says that she finds the most intimacy in being vulnerable and letting her guard down.
“It’s quite hard to open up personally, as I’ve been hurt in the past. Intimacy to me, is being able to be myself confidently in front of somebody and know that I feel safe to do so, and it’s a huge part of dating for me.
“This on time, I went on a walk with a date, where we held hands and listened to a curated playlist we’d made for each other, taking turns in explaining the meanings behind why we chose it. Simple things like that, can be intimate core memories without you knowing until you look back on them later.”
But even then, if you’re experiencing super intimate moments with someone, does that mean you’re heading towards relationship territory?
Not necessarily, says Georgia Grace.
“Intimacy doesn’t have to exist within sex, or an exclusive relationship — although we’re taught believe that it should.”
“As a society, we’re really bad at hearing “no”. People assume it’s a rejection of who they are, rather than a useful piece of information about what is possible. It’s okay to feel let down — but it still doesn’t give anyone the right ever to pressure anyone into sex, or a relationship. By asking someone what’s possible for them, you can better understand how you’re feeling and if you’re on the same page. If you have intimacy and attraction to someone, that’s an amazing foundation for casual sex or a casual relationship, however that looks for you.”
“You’ve just got to openly communicate your boundaries. If the person you’re experiencing intimacy with is open to the kind of relationship and experience you want, then there’s good chance for something beautiful and respectful to flourish.”
That being said, I’m excited to continue exploring intimacy, both with and without sex. I think the key is to go with what feels right to you in any given situation, and to communicate that. The world of intimacy is full of possibilities and learning about ourselves and others.
And as I’m learning, it can be pretty damn sexy.
