No one wants to be called a narcissist. According to Mayo Clinic, a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition “in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others”.
While no one has ever outright called me a narcissist, they have told me that I can be self-involved or self-centred, which is hard not to take personally. I struggle with the idea of what it means to be self-involved, because it’s meant as an insult, but it’s not something that I’m totally ashamed of. I choose to be self-focused and put myself first in certain avenues of my life quite purposefully, which I think can sometimes come across as though I don’t have time or space for others.
Still though, when someones call me self-involved I feel defensive. I think being a woman who is self-involved makes people uncomfortable. Especially in heterosexual relationships, the role of a woman role has not historically been at the front and centre of her own story. We’re taught to take care of others first and think of ourselves later, which honestly, just does not suit me (or any strong female I know).
But I often find myself asking whether I’m trying to break down gender stereotypes and be a boss bitch, or if I’m actually just a total narcissist!?
However, it’s not something I can answer for myself. The word “narcissist” has such a negative connotation to it, and our mainstream understanding is so vague. So, I reached out to Lysn psychologist Nancy Sokarno, to get some answers.
“Typically, someone who thinks they’re a narcissist may just be self-involved,” Sokarno tells POPSUGAR Australia. “Narcissists usually don’t know they are narcissists.”
“Or if they do, they might not be as willing to accept that truth, or will shrug it off as something else. For a narcissist, their self-worth depends on how others might perceive them, and therefore they often deny any flaws they see in themselves (particularly if others are bolstering them up or boosting their ego).”
So, while they might seem vaguely similar, being self-involved and being a narcissist are two very different things.
What are some distinguishing characteristics of narcissists? Narcissists lack empathy, they often think they’re better than other people, they lack self-awareness, they don’t feel guilty often, they feign interest regularly and often have purely transactional relationships.
Alternatively, someone who is self-involved or self-centred is extremely aware of themselves, and therefore feels a lot of empathy, guilt and anxiety.
“Anxiety drives self-centeredness,” says psychiatrist Dr. Michael McGee, MD, an expert in addiction psychiatry.
“It can be an existential insecurity regarding your inherent worth, value, safety, or wholeness. For some, it is a painful sense of a lack of integrity or authenticity. There is a feeling that you’re somehow a fraud. Self-centredness often leads to disconnection from others.”
Now this, I can relate to. Although I struggle to admit it, some of my biggest fears are centred around being unlovable. Because of this, I focus on myself and the things I can control; like my career.
And honestly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. It’s something I regularly talk to my therapist about, which means it’s not something I’m trying to push down and distract myself from.
I have a lot of driven, independent and self-motivated girlfriends who worry about whether or not their self-involved tendencies are actually a form of narcissism. And, while Nancy Sokarno says that NPD is on a spectrum — ranging from low to high levels of narcissistic personality traits — if you’re worried about being a narcissist or feeling concerned about how others are impacted by your behaviour; it’s likely that you’re not at all narcissistic.
“Narcissists often don’t even realise their behaviour is hurting you — introspection is poor here,” Sokarno says. “They could be so caught up in their own world that they don’t take into consideration how it has impacted you in a negative way.”
So, if you’re here, reading this article, there’s a good chance you’re not a narcissist. If you were an actual narcissist, you wouldn’t be curious about whether you’re self-involved. You definitely wouldn’t associate yourself with the idea of narcissism.
My advice for self-involved babes out there: try to understand where your self-involvement comes from and learn to love it. Like many things, self-involvement can be both destructive and super beneficial, so try to find a balance.
And my opinion? As women, being that little bit more self-involved isn’t a bad thing. We’re reclaiming our space, value and importance in a society that has been built against us — until now.
