Struggling to Let Go of the Past? Try These Strategies, Straight From Therapists

“Learn to be able to connect to sadness. This is so important because it bridges the gap between what you actually got and what you should have [had],” Marianne Trent, a clinical psychologist who specializes in grief and trauma and author of The Grief Collective: Stories of Life, Loss, and Learning to Heal, told POPSUGAR. Validating those emotions can actually help you learn to better manage them.

If your instinct is to run from what you’re feeling, try breathing through it. “It’s highly likely you can manage to purposefully hold in mind something mildly distressing for the length of time it takes you to take three deep, slow breaths in and three deep, slow breaths out,” Dr. Trent said. “Once you’ve done that, you can distract yourself in the way you usually would.” This is an example of a distress tolerance activity found in dialectical behaviour therapy. The idea is to help you realize that your pain isn’t as overwhelming as it may seem.

“Understand that your loss – whether it was an ending you wanted or did not want – is real and that it is OK to mourn what you had,” Renee Carr, PsyD, psychologist and CEO of The Problem Solver, told POPSUGAR. “It is also OK to view your loss as your new ‘low bar’ of expectations.” Maybe this relationship or job didn’t work out – but now you have a way to gauge future successes and failures.

Journaling may also help. “If your heart is hurting, force yourself to journal any memories of when you made a sacrifice only because you hoped or believed that one day it would get better,” Dr. Carr said. “By having this written record of the times you settled for less, you can slowly begin to realize that you deserve better.”

“Even if you wanted it to be over, or the situation forced you to call it quits, you can still feel a sense of loss and pain,” Dr. Carr explained. It’s OK to mourn what you’ve lost, but don’t allow yourself to feel guilty or question the instincts that brought you to this point. “Avoid blaming yourself for 100 percent of what went wrong and be proud of yourself for having the courage to listen to that small part of you that knew it was better to leave than stay,” she said.

“When people tell funny stories about what you were like when you were younger or make you feel inferior in some way . . . it’s likely that what your younger self needs [in that moment] is protecting and defending,” Dr. Trent explained. “You could say something like, ‘Actually, when I hear you say that, it really hurts my feelings. What I needed most [then] was care, protection, and compassion.'” Don’t be afraid to set boundaries and communicate your needs, if it will help you move on.

To help you move forward – instead of just living in the pain of your past – try choosing an area of your life you want to improve. “Make a list of five goals that include exciting activities, fun interactions with others (keeping in mind social distancing), and enjoyable rewards for accomplishing minor and major successes while working on one of your goals,” Dr. Carr said. This can help bring you increased feelings of happiness while you work through the sadness.

“Sometimes we can be prevented from moving past hurt because it is not properly processed and is stored in the mind and body as trauma,” Dr. Trent said. She suggests eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy (EMDR) and compassion-focused therapy (CFT) to help you move past pain to an embraceable future. You can filter through EMDR therapists in Psychology Today‘s database and CFT therapists under the “Get Help” section here.