Back when Disney Channel’s Monstober Halloween event was known as Hauntoberfest, I would stay up past my bedtime to watch red-eyed vampire cows enact their revenge on a rogue vampire hunter, and I loved every second of it. If you’ve never seen 2000’s The Little Vampire, think of it as an unexpected mashup between Under Wraps and The Addams Family, with some bloodthirsty cattle thrown in for good measure. With nothing better to do than mix up a blood-red cocktail and soak up all the nostalgic Halloween content my brain can recall, I rewatched this movie for the first time since it came out 20 years ago, and it’s a freakin’ riot.
The movie follows Tony Thompson (Jonathan Lipnicki), a vampire-obsessed 9-year-old who just moved to Scotland with his parents and is having some trouble fitting in. After an IRL vampire child named Rudolph mistakes Tony for one of his own kind during a late-night fly around the Thompson residence, the two become best friends. Then, Tony joins Rudolph on his family’s quest to retrieve a long lost magical amulet that can be used to turn vampires back into humans.
Without hesitation, Tony tightens the party store vampire cape around his neck and lets Rudolph expose him to the wonders of flying over rural Scotland and hanging out in overgrown cemeteries. Tony also does his part by leading Rudolph and his family to a barn full of cows to feed on, which, yes, results in a herd of vampire cows that can hang from the ceiling by their hooves. Tony finds all of this pretty flippin’ cool, until Rookery, the vampire hunter, tries to trap him in a sarcophagus and stop the vampires from retrieving their amulet. From start to finish, this movie is a wild ride and made me laugh at surprising times, and it’s definitely worth a watch. Just ask 2000 me, who dressed up like a vampire for Halloween three years in a row, or relive the movie vicariously through adult me by reading all the thoughts I had while rewatching it, ahead.
Related: I Rewatched Halloweentown as an Adult, and the Storyline Is So Much Darker Than I Realized
Everett Collection / New Line Cinema/Courtesy Everett Collection
- Wait . . . this isn’t a Disney movie? Then why did Disney Channel play it so often? SMH.
- Watching this movie as a kid felt like one big fever dream.
- Is that Susan from The Chronicles of Narnia?!
- These vampires really aren’t holding back when it’s time to throw down – they’re going at it just like in Buffy.
- Hey, it’s the kid from Stuart Little!
- I, too, used to be afraid of my stuffed animals watching me while I slept.
- Wait, that giant Scottish castle they panned to a few minutes ago is their house?! Forget the vampires, I’ll move in ASAP.
- “Tony, if I don’t get some sleep, then I’ll be one of the undead.” Same.
- Tony made his own fangs out of paper, now that’s dedication. He even broke out the ketchup!
- I always assumed movie villains would be less creepy when I grew up, but I definitely wouldn’t want to run into this vampire hunter anytime soon.
- OK, this vampire kid crawling on the walls could straight up be out of a horror movie.
- Why is it that all these kids in movies – no matter how old they are – can just sneak out of the house?
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- Whoa?! This guy seriously tried to run a kid over. I know he thought he was a vampire, but still!
- Uh, bouncing up and down on a blimp doesn’t seem like the wisest decision, Tony.
- Of course, the dad’s employer’s grandkids are Tony’s school bullies.
- Whoever was on the makeup team did a superconvincing job with Rudolph. * shiver *
- They want to become humans? But how does that work? Is that even possible?
- * vampire kid chilling in corner of ceiling when parents come in * OMG, this is just like that terrifying scene from Hereditary.
- Duh?
Duh!
Duhhhhhhh!!
- Cute! It’s like they’re having a vampire-human sleepover.
- LOL, the cow Rudolph fed on is turning all the other cows into vampires now. Does this mean they’ll be able to fly?
- Wow, making one vampire friend really upped Tony’s confidence – like, he’s on a major power trip now.
- Tony has to put his glasses on before he can see the vampire in his room. Same.
- The comet Attamon was cursed by a magician who used it to make sure vampires have to wander the Earth infinitely. Got it.
- OK, yep, Gregory is terrifying. And so is the dad . . . And the mom . . . This whole family is giving me the creeps.
- Who added these cheesy sound effects? I’d like to thank them immediately.
- Holy sh*t! A machine that shoots out stakes? This vampire hunter isn’t playing around.
- I’ve gotta say, the fact that Tony wore his vampire cape to run away from a vampire hunter in the cemetery with his new vampire BFF isn’t the wisest decision.
- Whoa! Tony can see the past? What is it about this kid that gives him access to all these vampire memories? Does this mean my haunting dreams growing up we’re all just visions of the supernatural past?
- Yep, Rudolph broke into Tony’s enemies’ room after he found out he was being bullied just to help him scare them, and that’s real friendship.
- I definitely had so many nightmares about this red-eyed vampire kid perched at the end of my bed growing up.
Everett Collection / New Line Cinema/Courtesy Everett Collection
- LMAO, the cows refusing to go out to pasture is the funniest part of this movie.
- It really wasn’t hard for the vampire hunter to convince this Lord that there are vampires in town, which is . . . suspicious.
- Oh noooooo! The gravekeeper is being sacrificed to the vampires! Well, guess he’s a vampire now, too.
- TONY! You can’t just offer your cellar as an Airbnb to a family of vampires.
- Whoa! The vampire sister has whistling powers – cool!
- OMG, the cows are hanging upside down in the barn, hahaha.
- Maybe this was the reason I dressed up like a vampire three years in a row growing up.
- No way! The hunter actually trapped Tony in a sarcophagus alive?! Nope, not cool.
- Wait, why does Tony have a dead rat in his pocket?!
- Rudolph’s parents are haunting. They would definitely get along with Gomez and Morticia.
- I would not have been caught dead (pun intended) wandering around in an old crypt filled with vampire coffins. No, thank you.
Everett Collection / New Line Cinema/Courtesy Everett Collection
- Elizabeth is still in her new grave! And she was buried with her lover – so sweet!
- I’m pretty sure this exact scene with Tony’s parents stuck in their car is exactly why I used to be afraid of a flock of vampires and zombies gathering outside of the windows on late-night drives home.
- I highly doubt throwing that inflatable on the floor before jumping out the window actually did any good, Rookery.
- Who decided to give the vampire cow an evil laugh?!
- OK, but everyone in this vampire family has an outfit worth re-creating for Halloween.
- The vampire hunter’s flying kick with the glowing cross was kinda badass, but not as badass as the mom beating him up, sending the amulet flying, and Tony catching it like the winning catch in a baseball game.
- Whoa, they’re just turning into smoke now that they’ve retrieved the amulet? But how will Tony and Rudolph be friends now?
- The vampires did turn into humans! And they remembered Tony because of the whistle! OMG, now they can be actual friends!
- For a vampire movie filled with bloodthirsty cows, that was really cute! Definitely at least an 8/10 in my book.
