10 People on Being Ghosted and How They Feel About It Now

If you’re not familiar with the term ‘ghosting’, it’s when someone cuts ties with you by simply not responding to your calls and texts. They become a digital “ghost”. They could be a friend or a lover, but the term is more often used in the context of online dating.

I’ve been ghosted a few times, mostly from people I had no emotional connection to — we may have gone on a date or made out at a bar once. Now, while I always think it’s respectful to be polite and explain yourself — even just a simple “sorry, this is not for me” text — their behvariour didn’t really puncture my heart.

Except for this one time.

I had a met a guy on Tinder, and was completely infatuated with him. I thought t he felt the same about me. We had only known each other a few weeks, but our chemistry was electric. We’d spend hours staring into each other’s eyes in between making out, and talking about all the things in life that inspired us and scared us. I was drawn to him like a magnet, and whenever we were together, we couldn’t stay apart. And then one day, without warning, he just stopped replying.

My stomach sank.

Once I clocked on that I was being ghosted, I sent a few follow up messages questioning his decision to ghost me. Things like “what’s going on?” “what happened?” “are you really just not going to reply?”. His read receipts just sat there, underneath my messages, sending tiny little daggers into my self-esteem.

It was one of those conversations that I look back on now, and wish I’d said nothing. But being ghosted by someone you thought was really into you makes you feel crazy. It’s the no closure that really gets you. You think if someone feels the need to cut you off like that, there must be something really wrong with you. Especially if they’re someone you had feelings for. But in moments like these, we’re so quick to blame ourselves, when really, we should be questioning the behaviour of the ghoster.

Because why do people ghost? People’s actions are most often a reflection of themselves than of anyone else.

“Generally, it would seem ghosting occurs either when the person ghosting doesn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, has trouble effectively communicating how they feel, or in some cases, when the person is worried about the possible safety consequences of rejecting someone’s advances in person,” says Amber Rules, Clinical Psychotherapist and Director of Rough Patch Affordable Counselling.

“Research seems to indicate that it’s more likely ghosting is about avoiding the discomfort around difficult conversations, rather than as a form of manipulation or conscious control.”

I asked a boy at a party recently, who was talking about having ghosted someone, why he did it.

“I just didn’t want to deal with my own feelings,” he said.

“But don’t you feel as though she deserved an explanation?” I asked.

“I guess so,” he said. “But if I spoke to her about it, I was afraid that she’d convince me that things would work between us and I know I’m just not ready. I didn’t want to make it harder for both of us.”

Why does ghosting sting that little bit extra? “I think most people tend to operate on a ‘good faith’ basis — that is, we tend to trust it’s okay to be ourselves and communicate authentically,” says Rules.

“If we get ghosted when we’ve simply been being ourselves, it’s easy to take that very personally and think it must mean there’s something about us that contributed to the ghosting.

“In most cases, it’s much more complicated than that — ultimately, ghosting is about not being able to have truthful, respectful conversations in which we openly communicate our feelings. Younger people may be more likely to ghost or be ghosted, as they learn to develop complex communication skills.”

Below are 10 people on being ghosted, and how it made them feel.

Monique: “We were dating for two years and then he ghosted me. I felt totally crushed and couldn’t get out of bed for weeks.”

Amy: “He kissed me goodnight and told me he loved me for the first time and I never heard from him again. It still makes me emotional to think about.”

Fi: “We went on a few dates and I thought he had a vibe, but he dropped off the face of the earth. It didn’t totally break my heart but I did feel like it was cruel just to bail with no explanation. I was kind of offended, TBH.”

Jack: “She literally just stopped replying. I remember feeling guilty, like it must be my fault? But I still don’t know. I think everyone deserves an explanation, no matter how small.”

Caro: “We were on and off for about a year. It was more friends-with-benefits than a relationship but still, I had love and respect for him. Then he got a girlfriend and blocked me off everything. He didn’t even send me a text to let me know beforehand. It just made me feel so replaceable, you know?”

Belle: “I wasn’t particularly into this guy, but we’d talk and hang out for a couple of weeks at a time and then he’d stop replying out of the blue. Then I’d chase him and the pattern would repeat. It went on for about a year, purely because of my insecurities about being ghosted. It made me feel so small and anxious.”

Kim: “It’s the craziest feeling in the world; to be dumped without “officially” dating in the first place. I’d been on heaps of dates with this one guy but we’d never had sex (for reasons outside of our control). Still, he felt the need to cut ties and ghosted, which made me feel upset and rejected. I was so sad about what could’ve been between us. He still reaches out to me whenever I post a cute photo on IG, but still no explanation. The audacity!”

Bree: “I met this guy at a bar and shared a spontaneous long, sweet evening and a kiss. It was wholesome… until he ghosted me before we could get to know each other. I felt shit, yet relieved that I didn’t end up in a relationship with someone who obviously couldn’t communicate their feelings like an adult. Boy bye!”

Max: “I fell in love with a girl overseas and then when I came back home, she stopped replying to me. It was like my worst nightmare coming true.”

Lynds: “It happened twice in 6 months — by THE SAME GUY. The second time he ghosted, I actually called him out. He responded immediately and apologised for ghosting and admitted he didn’t think we were the right fit but was sorry he’d not been upfront.

“If you’re ghosted by someone you should for sure figure out what works best for you in terms of how you approach it. There are definite pros to calling out someone’s cowardice, but there’s something pretty badass about simply walking away to leave them to wonder too.”