What Does Gaslighting Actually Look Like in a Relationship? We Asked a Psychologist

We hear the term “gaslighting” thrown around pretty often these days—it’s become part of our vocabulary, known as a toxic behaviour to look out for, mostly in romantic relationships.

But what does it actually mean?

It’s important to understand the correct meaning behind new buzzwords and phrases, such as “gaslighting”, especially when they have negative connotations attached to them.

So, we thought we’d ask an expert.

Below, Lysn psychologist, Nancy Sokarno, answers all our burning questions about “gaslighting”, plus how to recognise it in someone else or ourselves.

POPSUGAR Australia: What is the definition of gaslighting?

NS: Gaslighting is quite a complicated topic, but the simplest definition would be that it is a form of psychological manipulation that is often seen in romantic relationships. It can happen in other relationships too, however, it is more common in relationships where there is a strong power dynamic, and the victim wholly trusts their partner.

“The reason that it is complicated is that it is often done covertly and to the point where the victim doesn’t even realise it is happening. Gaslighting is when a perpetrator uses a range of tactics to make someone question their own reality. This usually happens over time, and the tactics can range from subtle manipulation through to pathological abuse.

“The perpetrator will often blatantly lie to the victim, make them feel insecure, alienate them from their friends and family, make them distrust their own perceptions. It’s essentially a form of brainwashing where the perpetrator manipulates the victim so much that they doubt their own thoughts, memories and question their mental stability. The victim often feels confused, isolated and afraid to speak up or question the perpetrator’s behaviour.

PS: Is gaslighting a new term, or has it been around for ages?

NS: It has actually been around for ages, but in the past, it was more commonly known in the mental health industry, rather than having a strong public awareness.

It seems to be more widely known now, thanks to things like reality television and social media, where we can get an insight into the dynamics of a relationship. The term ‘Gaslight’ was created from a 1944 movie of the same name. In the movie, a husband tries to convince his wife that she’s insane by causing her to question her own reality.

PS: What is the main purpose for gaslighting and how can we make sure that we don’t do it?

NS: The main purpose of gaslighting is manipulation, often to gain a sense of power or control over a person. The perpetrator often abuses the trust in the relationship and uses a range of tactics to get what they want. Unfortunately, some people gaslight another person without even realising that they are doing it (it can often be done on an unconscious level).

The first and most important way to make sure that you’re not gaslighting a person starts with recognition of the following things:

• Picking up when you’ve caught yourself lying or intentionally trying to manipulate a person through your lies.
• Noticing when you tell people they are wrong because they express opinions that are different from yours.
• Noticing when you are downplaying someone else’s emotions or invalidating their feelings.
• Noticing when you’re trying to gain power or control over another person by using varying tactics.

PS: Can you give us a few signs to look out for with gaslighting in a relationship, and a few lines on each?

NS: The perpetrator tells blatant lies: Lying is a big part of gaslighting, where the perpetrator will lie unashamedly, denying things they’ve said (even if proof is shown), to the point where the victim questions their own memories.

Their actions don’t match their words: A perpetrator will often emotionally abuse a victim by saying the things the victim needs to hear, but then doing the exact opposite when it comes to their actions. Which can confuse a victim, making them constantly question everything.

The perpetrator refuses to be challenged: A person that is Gaslighting will often refuse to listen to any concerns or challenges by pretending not to understand or hear the victim. Often going as far as making the victim feel as though they are ‘crazy’ or ‘losing the plot’.

The victim loses their self-esteem: Gaslighting tactics can cause a victim to constantly be in a state of self-doubt, confusion and can question their own self-worth. This unfortunately can lead to other mental health concerns like anxiety and depression.

Isolating the victim from their friends and family: Victims of Gaslighting often find themselves isolated from their friends and family because the perpetrator can use the victim’s loved ones to tear them down, align themselves to others, or even turn the victim’s friends and family against them.

The victim feels powerless: Whether it be having no one to turn to, nowhere to go, or no money, the victim will often feel powerless to get out of the situation. Oftentimes a perpetrator will also take control of a victim’s finances, so they can’t spend money or get the help they need. 

Get the Support You Need

Gaslighting can, unfortunately, happen in any relationship, even those that from the outside seem ‘loving’. If you think you might be a victim of gaslighting, or even if you think you yourself are potentially gaslighting another person, it is important to seek help.

There are many resources for victims of any emotional abuse, or those that need assistance with their behaviour. Services like Beyond Blue and Lifeline offer free over-the-phone counselling. Services like Lysn provide access to psychologists via video chat which can be accessed from the comfort of your own home.

About Nancy: Nancy Sokarno is a psychologist at Lysn. Lysn is a digital mental health company with world class wellbeing technology which helps people find their best-fit professional psychologist whilst being able to access online tools to improve their mental health.