LOVE RANTS: My Boyfriend Isn’t Into Valentine’s Day, Does That Mean He’s Not Into Me?

Hi, I’m Laura and I love to rant about love. Love is a curious thing and it can be embarrassing to talk about because we’re at our most vulnerable when we’re considering love. But I want to talk about all of it. Follow me as I write this column, Love Rants, a monthly exclusive on POPSUGAR AU. Let’s rant!

It was Valentine’s Day 2017, and I was running down Exhibition Street in Melbourne’s CBD, wearing black heels and gold love heart earrings, and clutching an excessively large bunch of red roses. The scene must’ve looked very romantic.

“Don’t keep him waiting!” an older gentleman called out as I ran past him, chuckling to himself about “young love”. I smiled as I passed him. It felt good, that he’d assumed I was on my way to a romantic date.

In reality, I was single AF and on my way to work at a cocktail bar that was hosting a Valentine’s Day event — and the roses were to decorate the venue.

Truthfully, I was disappointed I wasn’t on my way to meet a sexy lover who was obsessed with me and ready to shower me in romantic bullsh*t. It’s every girl’s (unrealistic) fantasy romance, right?

We’re fed this idea, through literature and films, that real romance looks like gifts and flowers and chocolate and candlelit dinners on Valentine’s Day, so being reminded that you don’t have those things can make you feel left out. And unloved. And like a bit of failure.

That’s what Valentine’s Day felt like to me when I was single. Most of the time, I loved being single — it felt like my superpower. But each year, Valentine’s Day would rudely remind me that I wasn’t in love and that being in love mattered to society. It also mattered to me, but not because I wanted pretty gifts.

Because, let’s be honest, Valentine’s Day isn’t really about true love, anymore. Looking back into the history of February 14, it’s said that on this day in 270 AD, Saint Valentine — a priest who defied an emperor’s orders and secretly married couples to spare husbands from war — died. It’s actually pretty romantic, for the times.

But today, Valentine’s Day is more of a commercial holiday, a day when businesses profit off the expectation that those in relationships will be showering their boo with gifts. Not as romantic, right?

I hadn’t thought about Valentine’s Day since getting into a relationship two and a half years ago. It’s as though Valentine’s Day only stood out to me when I didn’t feel included. But up until this year, my boyfriend and I have glossed over two Valentine’s Days without even acknowledging it, and then, for some reason, it popped into my head last week.

“Hey, do you want to do something for Valentine’s Day?” I called through the bathroom door as he was having a shower one morning.

“Nah, not really,” he called back, “Valentine’s Day kinda sucks.”

“Yeah, totally!” I replied instinctively. But I wasn’t so sure. As soon as I said those words, I felt a pang of something that felt a lot like disappointment in my gut.

But why would I be disappointed? I don’t place a high value on gift-giving in a relationship, especially in the last few years. Perhaps when I was a teenager and my romantic ideals were at an all-time high, I might’ve thought gifts were important. But now, at 26, my boyfriend and I have lived (and survived!) through the pandemic together — and we’ve shown up for each other every day. I have no doubt in our love. We’re both super invested and we show that by the things we do for and with each other every day — gifts just seem like a nice, but not necessary, bonus.

But there was still something inside of me that felt a little sad that he didn’t want to do anything. Not a dinner? Not a drink? Not even a film? I’d never felt this way about V-Day in a relationship before, so why now? I asked my friend Belle this question on the weekend.

“Well, I like any excuse to be romantic,” Belle said, “but I think it’s nice to have an opportunity to celebrate love together.”

“I wouldn’t say I really care about Valentine’s Day, but I’d be sad if my boyfriend didn’t want to do cheesy things with me on the day. I mean, we have a whole day planned together.”

For Belle, it’s not about presents. She explicitly told her boyfriend not to get her flowers or chocolate, she just wants to spend the day together doing cute, couple-y things.

“It’s less about the Valentine’s Day hype, and more the fact that I love doing romantic things in general, so I want to be with someone who likes doing those things too.

“I also really struggle with spontaneous gestures of love — they make me feel cringey — so I see Valentine’s Day as just like a whole day to pack in as much romance as possible with no remorse.”

On the other hand, my colleague and fellow writer, Tash, doesn’t rate V-Day.

“It’s a grotesque consumerist holiday designed to make people feel awful about being in love, or being single…” she says, “either way, no one wins. Just celebrate love every day!”

I pressed her on why she thinks it makes people feel awful about being in love.

“There is the pressure to either find love if you’re single, or if you’re in a relationship, there’s all this pressure to buy elaborate gifts: 1000 red roses for the hours you’ve been together etc…

“There’s just so much pressure to display love on V-Day, when I think love is something you share in secret, in the bedroom, in the kitchen, in the home.

“Valentine’s Day takes that love, and commercialises it.”

Then there’s Kev, another colleague of mine, who loves mushy romantic gestures, while his girlfriend hates them.

“I thought my girlfriend was super weird when I first found out she doesn’t like Valentine’s Day,” he said. “She sees it as cheap and tacky, and a poor excuse to do something nice for your partner, when it should be small things every day, or spontaneously.”

“I sent her flowers one year, and she hated it so much she sent me flowers at work the next year to embarrass me.”

And it did embarrass him. He felt “super awkward and kind of emasculated”, which truly showcases the (often gendered) pressure of partaking in elaborate, superficial displays of romance to prove your love.

Reflecting on these perspectives, I understand them all. They’re all relatable and true, in their own ways.

I think our relationship with Valentine’s Day has more to do with our relationship (with our partner or with being single), as well as our relationship with romance and love and what that means for us.

That being said, our relationship with Valentine’s Day can change. Spending Valentine’s Day single feels different to spending it in a relationship, and the hype of it all fluctuates with age, experience and our ever-growing sense of self.

For me, right now, I’m just craving some surface-level romance. It’s got nothing to do with my boyfriend and our relationship, and everything to do with me, wanting to dress up and go out and experience things with him, after two years of being forcibly isolated and anti-social.

I want to get dressed up together and buy each other pretty gifts and go out for dinner and wear sexy lingerie, and Valentine’s Day just presents the perfect excuse to make it happen now. But, as for the day itself, it doesn’t hold any meaning for me. It’s simply an excuse, a reason, a day of the year, that encourages self-indulgence and fantasy romance, which can be super fun if you don’t take it too seriously.

My boyfriend just called me — literally five minutes ago — to tell me he loves me. I can guarantee that he didn’t even register the date.

He called to tell me he loves me because he does. Every day. I see it and I feel it and I don’t need (or want) a specific love-themed day to be reminded. But if you do, that’s okay too.

Who knows, maybe one day I’ll indulge in the ridiculousness of Valentine’s Day, in all its heart-shaped chocolates and obnoxious bouquets — I’m definitely not counting it out. I’m also not going to pretend that Valentine’s Day doesn’t hold some meaning for me; as I think it does for everyone. For me, the meaning stems from feeling loved — whether that’s by someone else, or yourself — and that’s an important thing to reflect on.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Celebrate this V-Day
However feels right for you!

Happy Love Day, babes.