The Surprising Way Lockdown Has Changed My Sex Life

I got into a relationship just weeks before lockdown (the first one) started in Melbourne.

It’s been a blessing in so many ways — I can’t imagine going through lockdown and isolation without any physical intimacy. But it’s also had its moments.

My now-boyfriend and I made things “official” in February 2020 and by March 2020, when lockdown started, we decided to start living together. We knew we had to if we wanted to spend any time together.

As you can imagine, this forced us to immediately learn all the quirks about each other — stuff that you usually save for after the ‘honeymoon phase’.

I learnt that he’s a super messy cook, that he doesn’t always flush the toilet and that he can’t seem to help but have a constant floordrobe. He learnt that I like to be in control in the kitchen, that I hate taking the bins out and that I spread makeup items all over the house.

But these are things we eventually would’ve learnt about each other, so I’m glad we got them out of the way sooner rather than later. Why? Because it’s led to us having consistently great sex throughout every lockdown. And my insistent libido is thanking the heavens.

I think that the general assumption is that couples in lockdown are having less sex. And while, in my case, that is true, I’d say that my sex life has in fact become better during this time.

Like most relationships, when my boyfriend and I first got together we had heaps of sexual energy and had sex all the time. Before we were in an official monogamous relationship, sex played a main role in our connection to each other… I mean, it was the thing that pushed us together in the first place.

It’s only natural that as things start to get more serious and there are other factors to consider, sex becomes one of the many facets of a relationship, rather than the main event.

But it’s still a pretty major part of our relationship.

Lockdown has definitely made me more critical of my relationship and in turn, our sex life. Without any of our usual independence, we’re spending so much time together and not going out and doing the usual fun things. Instead, we’re living what feels like this unfamiliar suburban life together.

Realistically, I didn’t see myself being in a settled relationship like this for a few more years and I don’t think my boyfriend did either. This general lack of excitement for unpredictability makes us feel less horny.

At 26, we still love spontaneity and excitement and look for it in our daily lives, which is pretty impossible during lockdowns. Sex definitely makes things exciting and we absolutely use it for that pretty often in lockdown, but that doesn’t mean that slow, simple sex is bad. Sex in a long-term relationship can sometimes feel routine and comfortable, which is easy to be critical of.

In saying that, I actually think that our sex has improved during lockdown, which is surprising. It’s like a quality of quantity, rather than having endless energy to f*ck and having sex to satiate that physical energy. Now, we just have sex when we feel like it, and it’s always really satisfying.

Men often measure their success in the bedroom due to being able to make women c*m, which as we know, doesn’t happen for us every time. Research from Ashley Madison shows that 43% of men are under the impression that their primary partner climaxes every time they have sex, but only 18% of women report climaxing every time they have sex with their partner.

It’s so important to have open discourse with your partner about this. Not c*mming as a woman is totally normal and okay, and shouldn’t be a measure of ‘good sex’. Obviously, we all want to climax sometimes, but thankfully in this era of sex positive conversation, we know that we don’t need to rely on our partner for that every time.

In saying that, I’ve definitely realised during lockdown that I can’t get all of my sexual needs met by one person. When we go about life in normal circumstances, we flirt with people, we see other people that we think are hot, we interact with the world and our desire in such an active way — sometimes without knowing it.

Being in lockdown prevents us from this interaction and we look to our partner to please us in all the ways… which kinda seems unrealistic. Although I think my boyfriend is the most handsome boy ever and definitely one of the best sexual partners I’ve ever had, that hasn’t stopped me from fantasising about other people, sexual scenarios and sometimes just being in the mood for self pleasure.

Sex with your partner is always better when you recognise that you have independence in sex. Your partner doesn’t define when you feel horny or what you feel horny for all of the time.

In my opinion, a healthy sex life is a balance between knowing what you like and indulging in that in a consenting way, and experiencing sex and desire with your intimate partner.

I would encourage people in relationships and struggling to have sex in lockdown to explore the world of self pleasure. Sometimes, pleasuring yourself gets you in the mood to explore things with your partner, or gives you the confidence to have tricky conversations.

Try not to be hard on your partner or yourself during this time. If you’re not feeling them sometimes, it’s no one’s fault, the world is going through a real time of instability which always affects our sexuality.

Don’t be afraid to explore sex and desire independently too. Sometimes, you need to discover what makes you tick, for your sex life to feel comfortable and natural, but also hot AF.