The Bachelor Recap: Two Hours of Awkward Moments Told in 13 Tweets

Image of Basmah Qazi
by Basmah Qazi
Twitter / @bachiebitching

If you forgot to tune in to The Bachelor tonight then I just have one thing to say to you. 

Well done.

Because by the end of the feature-length episode, I heard myself saying, “when is this GOING TO END.”

I tend to tune out of Academy Award-nominated movies that are this long, and The Bach hasn’t even been in the running for a Logie let alone an Oscar. 

Thankfully for you, I’m not going to go through every detail because it’s just not worth it, and frankly, I do not have that kind of time. So you’re just getting the highlights.

Episode eight starts off with Carlie and Jimmy going on a date to … western Sydney. Unfortunately, due to abysmal ratings, The Bachelor went through some massive budget cuts and was forced to make Parramatta work (I made this up, don’t sue me Channel 10).

Anyway, much much later on in the episode (I’m talking an hour and a half later), the girls are reunited with their mums.

We also sit through the most awkward date in Bachie history: Watching Jimmy and Laura make pasta.

Should have just microwaved a YouFoodz meal and saved us the agony.

After the date, Laura starts babbling on about her insecurities and reveals a bit too much information for a first date.

He ends up giving her a rose out of pity I assume.

Laura then goes in for a kiss and for the first time ever, Jimmy backs away.

At this point, I probably would have packed my bags and sued Channel 10 for defamation, because how dare they show that scene on national television.

“No, I mean … like, I really want to kiss you,” said Jimmy, making it very obvious that he, in fact, does not want to kiss her.

“… But now we are getting to the pointy end of the experience, there are a lot of emotions involved. And I want to make sure that we’re both feeling ready … so …” He then follows it with a hug.

Laura is clearly embarrassed, and later on, we hear her crying and gosh, I feel for her.

“It’s just a bit embarrassing. I look like a d*ckhead, I’m not stupid,” she cries. “He’s obviously not interested, I don’t understand why I’m still here. I just feel really embarrassed.”

While I was busy attempting to erase that entire scene from my memory, I was subjected to something even worse.

Jimmy using a pickup line on Holly’s mum, only to get brutally rejected.

He may have a way with the ladies, but their mums are a whole different story.

A little bit later, Jimmy confronts Jay to set the record straight about the rumour going around, y’know, where she doesn’t want kids.

Jay says she wants kids, they makeup and she gets a rose.

Jay tells the girls at the cocktail party about what happened, and everyone is shocked because they all know how much Jay wants to start a family of her own.

Stephanie, AKA, the pathological liar, tries really hard to convince everyone it wasn’t her but no one was buying it.

Now I’ve saved the worst till last, because unfortunately, my favourite gassy, chlamydia queen left the competition tonight.

Sierah, you will be sorely missed.

In true Sierah fashion, she had a rant in the back seat of the car.

“I had an inkling Jimmy wasn’t into tall, horny bogans,” she said. “Any guy would be lucky to have me. If Jimmy couldn’t see that, that’s a ‘him’ problem. Like, it’s just bullsh*t. Bullsh*t, bullsh*t, bullsh*t. I’m not gonna beat myself up about that — someone who couldn’t handle a woman like me.”

What a legend.

Oh, and Rebekah also went home.

Cya next week!

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